Holidays

 I like to write about growing up. This is the first time in my life that I have actually shared and talked about growing up with such peace. I was always afraid to share information and let people in, I now understand this was because I was afraid that if I let anyone know how I was feeling and shared stories they would just leave and be part of my sad story. The moral of that is I have childhood trauma, surprise surprise who doesn't that grow up in the 90's? 

As a small child holidays were pretty fun. I would spend holidays with either my birth dad's parents or my birth mom's parents. Mostly we would start at home and do something fun and then go to my other grandparents' house and do something fun. These fun activities would include food, cousins, and the great outdoors. A typical holiday would include waking up, opening presents, or finding eggs, followed by my Aunt visiting with her three kids. My cousins and I would go outside to ride bikes and play with chalk, softball, hockey, basketball, or rollerblades. If it was raining out we would sit on the porch or play games inside. Our favorite indoor games included Trivial Pursuit, Pig in the Garden, Crazy 8, Rummy, Poker, or pretending that we were newscasters from our local news station. 

Holidays growing up were my favorite because I would get to see my cousin Amie. She was the youngest of our crew but she was always the nicest and because I was the next youngest we were just a few years apart and had the most in common. There was one older cousin who was always so mean to the rest of us and she made holidays less enjoyable, but to get Amie you had to have her too. Amie and I used to ride bikes listen to music and tote around in the woods for hours. 

There wasn't much to do on the old farm but we always used our imaginations to entertain ourselves. Our covered porch was often a flying castle that was run by an old exercise bike, the swing set was the hideout for the robbers and the garage was the police station.  

Times when my dad was home he would get out the go-kart for us to ride and turn up the KSHE-95 in the old pig barn so we could rock out to music, and for summer holidays he would set up the bases so we could play a game of softball in the field. My dad wasn't present for all the holidays but he always tried to make up for his absence with fun games or fast toys. 

As a grown person I still value holidays and I truly enjoy getting together with family to spend a backward day together. I am not the most sociable person but I do value being able to have my kids around both my side and my husband's side of the family. I really love that my kids also enjoy seeing their Amie each holiday and that they also value her love and friendship the way I did growing up. 

Holidays are special and it's weird how they change but how they stay the same year after year. I know growing up a holiday meant that I was most likely going to see my dad that day, and as my kids grew up I had the same feelings but in a new light. "It's a holiday my kids might get to see their grandpa Carl today." Holidays are special even if they just help with the root cause of your childhood trauma. 

Right now I am experiencing my first holidays without my Dad here and let me tell you it's weird, I just keep waiting for him to show up, just long enough to eat, say something inappropriate, embarrass me, and leave. Man I miss him, things just are not the same without him.

Holidays at my other grandparents were just about the same but just included more people because they had a crap ton of kids, and their kids had kids so you never really knew who you were going to see. My sister and I were really protected by my Mom's parents in many situations though because we were the odd ones out. Our Mom left us and no one ever talked to us about her, truthfully I think both my sister and I felt like we never fit into anyone's clicks. I mean it was a huge family and they were all so close to each other and they knew each other so well. My sister and I didn't really know anyone even though we saw them all a couple times a year. My mom's parents were saints they knew how important it was for us to know the family and for the family to know us. They knew what our Mom had done wasn't our fault and that we needed to at least have a connection with our aunts, uncles, and cousins. As a kid, I dreaded going to big family holidays with this side of the family because it just meant I had to pretend for hours and I had to watch as people pretended with me for hours. I am appreciative of this side of the family and the love they showed but am happy that we are all adults now and don't have to pretend around each other any longer. 

I would say growing up and celebrating holidays and continuing to celebrate holidays with my own kids is one of my favorite things to do. I fear that my kids won't value holidays as much as I did but I hope they tell loving stories to their kids someday about how holidays meant something to them, or at least they say Mom tired.